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Ketchup script
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Listen
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We decided to have more fun lately, so we're taking dance lessons. It's an online course, to protect our privacy. Every week the instructor emails us a move, and we learn it, and videotape ourselves doing it, and then we send it back for comments. Barb is learning to let me lead. And my hips are looser than they've been in years. The instructor tells us we're the best ones in the class. We should have been happy. But then one day I came up from the basement and found Barb looking out the window and fanning herself with the newspaper. Barb. Is everything ok?
Sue Scott: I'm worried about our elderly neighbors, Jim. It's just so hot. I think we should check on them, but what if we knock on the door and they don't hear us because they took out their hearing aids, and then we barge in and they've taken all their clothes off?
TR: Barb. We don't know any elderly neighbors. We wouldn't know which house to go to.
SS: We could deduce it from the lawn ornaments. Take a walk and make our best guess.
TR: The only neighbors I've seen on our block are young people like us, Barb—
SS: But imagine if someone on our block got weak and disoriented and mistook the gas knob for the thermostat, and gave it a crank, and —(DING DONG). Well I wonder who that is.
TR: Don't answer it, Barb. We have enough Bibles.
SS: (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS) Yes?
Erica Rhodes: Oh hi. I was just wondering if you guys were okay.
SS: (A BEAT) OK how?
ER: I just wanted to make sure you hadn't fallen or gotten dehydrated.
(A BEAT)
SS: We have water. Why?
ER: Oh, ok. I'm just checking. I just noticed you guys in the neighborhood, so I wanted to check in or whatever. It's pretty hot out.
SS: Yes, it is. We have air conditioning.
ER: Oh, that's awesome. Do you have those emergency cellphones that if you fall, you could just press a button and it'd notify 911?
SS: No, but I have a husband.
ER: Okay. Right. And he's okay too?
SS: In what sense?
ER: Well, you seem to be okay.
SS: We are.
ER: Ok, bye!
(DOOR CLOSES, SLOW FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Was it Publishers Clearinghouse? Did we win?
SS: No.
TR: Well who was it?
SS: It was nobody. Wrong address. Anyway, I'm going to head down to Nordstrom's and pick up a pair of trousers.
TR: Don't say "trousers," Barb. It makes you sound old. Like saying "davenport" or "breezeway". People don't say that anymore. Just say "pants."
SS: How about slacks?
TR: That's worse. Pants.
SS: Okay. Pants.
TR: Barb, I think we better have some ketchup.
SS: Ketchup?
TR: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you accept who you are.
SS: I'll be better once we have some ketchup.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times
The sun is golden yellow
Women wear their tube tops
As a way of saying hello
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on your Jell-O™
GK: Ketchup, for the good times
RD: Ketchup, ketchup.
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