A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

TR: (SINGING) I can't give you anything but (ARABIC)
That's the only thing I've (ARABIC)

GK: Gradually freedom is being restored to Iraq. They're learning baseball. They're getting cell phones. The golf courses in Baghdad are back in operation. They're starting their Christmas shopping.

TR (SINGING): I'm dreaming of a white (ARABIC)
Just like the (ARABIC)

GK: The press of course emphasizes the bad stuff, but you can't believe what you read----

TR (BUSH): I think all that cultural exchange stuff is so important. People getting to know other people ----- you know what I'm talking about?

GK: I do.

TR (BUSH): I was talking to Putin last week ---- he's a buddy of mine, you know. I call him Pooty-Poot. We got that Nutcracker music from them, you know. That was a Russian thing. And Russian roulette. And capital punishment, that came from the French. The guillotine. And cutting taxes came from the Italians. And so did spaghetti. Did you know, a lot of English words come from Arabic?

GK: I guess I knew that.

TR (BUSH): For example, the word "sheriff." Comes from the word sharif which means bad-ass in the A-rab language.

GK: Who told you that, Pooty-Poot?

TR (BUSH): Nope. Bullwinkle. That's my nickname for Shroeder. The German guy. And Chirac is Rocky. Rocky and Bullwinkle. They get a big kick out of that.

GK: What do they call you?

TR (BUSH): They call me Mr. President. Why? Whadja think they'd call me?

GK: I thought they'd call you Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): That's exactly what they do call me. Anyway, you oughta do more with sheriffs on your show. I think people'd really like it. Stories about men who stood up to evildoers and shot 'em down.

GK: Okay.

TR (BUSH): Speaking of cultural exchange, here comes my man from California.

GK: Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, good to see you on our show. Welcome.

TR (ARNOLD): Yeah, it's good to be here in Minnesota and get away from all that craziness out in California. Mein gott, I just cannot believe the wacko things people say in a campaign for governor.

GK: Well, don't worry about it. We're not going to ask you about it.

TR (BUSH): Yeah, don't let it eat at you. It's just the work of evildoers.

GK: This is a non-political show, so let's not even talk about it. Now that I'm a Republican, I don't care about politics.

TR (ARNOLD): I am just so upset at the accusation that Adolf Hitler groped women. That he disrespected women. The Fuehrer did not grope women. Maybe some of the SS got rowdy sometimes but the Fuehrer was loyal to one woman and that was Eva Braun. He was not a groper! Why do they say these things? (HE LAUNCHES INTO GERMAN)

GK: Okay, don't get upset about it. Probably it's just a big misunderstanding.

TR (BUSH): He's gonna win the election and he's gonna help me win in 2004. And we're going to cut government spending and government regulation so that our western cowboys are not forced to wear saddle belts. And these far-left liberals say that before a sheriff goes after a bad man, he has to get permission from the French. Well, not this sheriff. When I landed that plane on the carrier in my flight suit, I showed that I would do whatever I need to do to protect this country, and that's what I'm going to keep on doing. I think you ought to sing your little song now.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BUSH): Just let me stand over here and put my hand on my heart.

GK: Okay.

TR (BUSH): And they'll turn on the wind machine and make the flag flutter. Okay--- there we go-----

GK: (SINGS)

We're all Republicans now
We've all come around somehow
He's not all that bright
But his heart is right
We're all Republicans now
Maybe you think we are nuts.
But we believe in tax cuts.
Cut 'em and cut 'em and then cut some more,
If you pay five percent, then you ought to pay four.
If you pay four percent, let's make it three.
We'll give you a discount like you wouldn't believe.
We're Republicans,
We're Republicans,
We're all Republicans now.