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FIFTH ANNUAL JOKE SHOW Joke Submissions Drinking Jokes So this guy walks into a bar, looking VERY depressed.
With a deep sigh, and the start of a tear in one eye, he orders FIVE
40-year-old singlemalt Scotches--which run about twenty bucks apiece.
A fella walks into a bar and orders his drink. He notices the guy sitting
next to him seems a little down. He decides to try engaging the sad
sack in conversation.
The day after St. Paddy's day, Seamus O'Malley, looking a wee bit green,
went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor took one look at him and
said: "Seamus, you look horrible. You need to start drinkin Canada Dry"
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such as:
A purple polka-dotted penguin goes into a bar and orders a White Russian.
The bartender mixes it up, gives it to the penguin, and he drinks it.
When he asks for his tab the bartender charges him $20.00. Reluctantly,
the penguin slams the money down on the counter and gets up to leave.
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
A guy walks into bar on the 30th floor of a building. The only people
in it are the bartender and another man, named Clark. So our friend,
who we will call Steve, sits down and orders a drink. After a few minutes,
Clark says to Steve, "I bet you if you jumped out of the window the
wind would blow you back in." Steve says, "Yeah Right, lets see you
do it first." Clark jumps out the window, and sure enough, the wind
blows him right back in. Steve says, "do that again, and then I'll try
it." Clark does it again. "OK," Steve says, and hops out the window,
falling 30 stories to his death. Clark goes back over to the bar, and
sits back down. The bartender says, "You know, sometimes you're a real
jerk, Superman."
A man in Dallas, Texas walks into a bar one evening, goes up to the
bar, sits down and orders a beer. After he's had a few, he looks down
at the end of the bar and notices a man sitting there. With each additional
beer, he stares at the other man more and more. After he's had quite
a few, he works up the nerve to talk to him:
A guy has a few too many drinks one night, and as he's leaving the bar,
he falls over. "I better crawl till I'm in the fresh air," he says,
and crawls outside. He stands up again, and falls on his face. He says,
"Geez, I guess I should crawl home too," and does so. At his front door,
he tries to stand up, and again falls over. "My God," he says, "did
I really have that much to drink? I'll just crawl to bed." He does,
and falls asleep quickly.
I was walking home from drinking last Saturday night, and some idiot
stepped on my hand.
Have you heard that they've raised the legal drinking age to 32 in Tennessee?
They're trying to keep alcohol out of the public school
A man and his wife were in bed one night when they
were awakened by a lound noise outside their front door. The wife
wanted her husband to go downstairs and see what it was, but he
didn't want to. After she nagged him for a few minutes, he finally
assented. On his way down the stairs, someone knocked loudly on
the front door. When the man got to the door, he opened it, and
saw a man standing outside, obviously inebriated. Thoroughly annoyed,
the husband asked the drunk what he wanted. The drunk said, "You
gotta help me. I need a push." The man refused, but the drunk insisted,
"I really need a push." "No," the man replied. "It's nearly 2am,
and you're drunk. You shouldn't be driving, anyway." The drunk responded,
"You don't understand. I just need a push." Finally, the man slammed
the door in the drunk's face and went back to bed. | | | | |
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
