A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

william chappell, raleigh, nc

Tread lightly when your wife has sore feet because hell hath no fury like a woman's corns.

Don Nelson, Tomah, Wi

Whats the differnce between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The bad golfer goes whack! "damn" and the bad skydiver goes "damn" whack!

Mary Lane, Brownsburg , VA
Age: 14

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and a few other adjustments. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, I am sorry, but we don't serve food here.

George Baughman Jr., Ferndale, MI

While his parents are having desert a young lad picks up a coin laying on the table and puts it in his mouth. Before his dad can warn him, the child inadvertently swallows the coin and it jams in his windpipe. The parents are frantic, screaming to the patrons that there son is choking on a coin stuck in his windpipe. Can anyone help?

Four or five tables away from the commotion, a rather well dressed gentlemen hears the pleas and after calmly taking a sip from his coffee and folding his newspaper neatly, he stands and moves toward the child.

He then firmly grabs a handful of the boy's crotch and continues to hold tightly while the lad heaves and in a final and violent convulsion expells the coin onto the table. The man quietly returns to his table and his newspaper and coffee.

The father, after determining that his son is not injured, begins to thank the gentleman profusely. Not used to all this attention, the gentleman is embarassed.

"You saved my son's life, are you a doctor or perhaps a surgeon?"

"Oh, heavens no.... nothing like that. I work for the IRS."

Bob Felsher, Mint Hill, NC

The professor announced the topic for the final exam in Freshman English.
"You will write a short story developing the following four themes, Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery. You have one and a half hours. Go for it."
After only four minutes a student handed in his paper.
"You certainly can't be finished. I want you to pass this course. Don't you want more time?" asked the prof.
"No Sir, it was an easy assignment and I gave it my all" replied the student.
The prof examined the paper which read:
"Holy Moses, the princess is pregnant. I wonder
who did it."

Marvin Demanzuk, Rogers, AR

So there's these 2 guys, one's named Jim and the other Earl. They owned a bungee-jumping station, like you see at fairs. The business was a little slow, so they decided to try to make it big in Mexico. They moved to a city in Guadalajara, and after setting it up, Earl said, "let me try it first, to see if it'll work ok." So he gets all ready, and jumps off the tower. Moments later, he rockets back to the top, but Floyd tried to catch him, and missed. But he noticed that Earl had a few bumps & bruises on him. Earl flew back up, and Floyd missed again. This time, he noticed that he had several new cuts and new bruises. Finally, on the third trip back up, Floyd caught him & hauled him onto the platform.
"What happened; was the cord too long?"
"No, the cord was fine," said a nearly dead Earl.
"But why all the injuries?"
"Have you ever heard of a pinata?"

David Sorrell, Poplar Bluff, MO

A First Grade teacher told her class they could draw anything they liked, as the teacher looked over the shoulder of one of her students, she asked: "What are you drawing?" The little girl replied: "God." "But." said the teacher, "no one knows what God looks like." Well, they will in a minute," piped the little girl!

Sally Loftw, Minnieapolis, MN

Q. Why is it that cannibals will not eat circus clowns?

A. Because they taste funny.

David Snyder, Norman, OK

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Rick Higgs, New Palestine, IN

A farmer bought a new mule. When he got it home he could not get it in the barn because the mules ears were so long they were hitting above the door. The farmer got some chalk and a saw, drew the outline of the ears on the barn and started to saw them out. At this point the farmers neighbor drove into the barnyard and asked the farmer what he was doing. When the farmer explained about the long ears the neighbor said " why you darn fool, why don't you get a shovel and dig out under the door?" The farmer replied, "you're the darn fool, not me". "why is that?" inquired the neighbor. "Because it's his ears that are too long, not his legs"

Michael Kraatz, Canaan, NH

A little boy comes home from school and say, "Mom, what's sex?" The mother was following the rules that say when they need to know about sex, they will ask. So she told the little boy all about sex. The little boy produces a paper and says, "Wow, how do they expect you to get all that in this little box!"

Charlie Colliver, Columbus, OH

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived
two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others,
"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

David Schauer, St. Petersburg, FL

Max and Joe had locked their keys inside the car.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?", Max
asked. "No,"answered Joe,"people will think we're trying to break in."
Max though about it and said "What if we use my pocketknife to cut around the rubber and then we can pull up the lock?" No,"said Joe, people will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." "Well," said Max," we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!"


Max and Joe Guncheon, Kaneohe, HI
Age: 8+10

Q- How deep is a frog pond?

A- knee-deep, knee-deep

This was my seven year old son's first joke. He told it for months.

Lin Bredenfoerder, Sheffield, MA

A sunday school teacher asks her children, "Where does God live?" One child responds, "God lives in our bathroom." The teacher replies, "Oh child whatever made you think God lives in your bathroom? Child says, "Well every morning my Dad pounds on the bathroom door and yells, 'God are you still in there?' "

Jonathan Anderson, Minneapolis, MN

Why was 6 afraid?
Because 7 8 9.

Henry Wells, Rochester, NY
Age: 7

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A: The same middle name !

Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA

A Jewish (doesn't have to be Jewish, but the accent works best for the punchline!) grandmother walks down the street, pushing her grandson in a stroller. Another woman walks by and says, "Oh, what a beautiful baby!" The grandmother says, "This is nothing - you should see his pictures!"

Jurgen Vsych, Los Angeles, CA

A nervous passenger, about to board a small commuter plane, stops and asks the pilot, "how often do these things crash?"

"Usually only once", responds the pilot.

David Chappell, Fresno, CA

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Sharon Devol, Canyon Country, CA

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

Sharon Devol, Canyon Country, CA

This man walks into the doctor's office with a frog attached to the top of his head. The doctor asks: "Good grief man! What happened to your head?" To which the frog replied "my head feels great, but this wart on my butt is killing me!"

Bruce Mave, Virginia Beach, Va

Why did the peach take the raisin to the Movie?

He Couldn't get a date.

Cleve Breckenridge, Rockville, MD

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Steve Smith, Jefferson City, MO

A mother took her six year old son to see a ballet show for the first time. When the ballet ended she asked her young son how he liked it. He quickly replied, "If they'd just get taller people, it would be alot easier on everybody."

Paula Fox, Plainfield, IN

"A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...
He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"
Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Georgia Roxon, Shaftsbury, VT
Age: 11

A Frenchman with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, that's really neat. Where did you get him?" The parrot replies, "In France! They've got millions of 'em over there."

Sarah Wells, Charlottesville, VA

Down at the race track two horses are talking after their races. The first horse says "I tell ya, I got a bad start today. I was in the back for most of the race, when suddenly as we neared the finish line Woosh from behind and I won." Hearing this, the second horse replies "The same thing happened to me today. I had no hope of winning when woosh from behind and I won." A racing dog is walking past and overhears the conversation. The dog says to the horses "Ya know, I was chasing that rabbit around the track today and I thought I was gonna loose for sure when woosh from behind and I won." The first horse turns to the second horse and says "Holy Crap, the dog can talk!"

Daniel Moritz, Waterford, NY

Here's two Jokes and a limerick to consider:

1. The Irish Brothers
A man walked into a Pub in County Cork one evening and sat by himself.
When the barmaid stopped by his table to take his order he said, “I’ll have three pints of Guinness, and I’ll have them all at the same time.”
The man then proceeded to sip from one glass, then the second, then the third, slowly drinking the three pints of Guinness at the same time.
The next night the man did exactly the same thing, ordering three pints of Guinness and drinking them together.
On the third night, after the man placed his order, the Publican
stopped at the man’s table. “Good Sir,” said the Publican, “ this is the third night now you’ve honored my establishment, but I have to tell you that the regulars have become a little curious about your drinking habits. It’s not that you order three pints of Guinness– it’s that you drink them all at once.”
“You see, it’s me two brothers,” said the man. “They have left Ireland to try their fortunes in America, and before they left we made a pact to share a pint with each other whenever we could, and so one pint is for me and two are for me brothers.”
This habit continued for many weeks, until one night the man walked into the Pub and said to the barmaid, “I’ll have two pints of Guinness, and I’ll have them both at the same time.”
Soon everyone was aware of the change in the man’s habit and discussed it with the Publican, who decided to talk to the man.
“These many nights now,” said the Publican, “you have honored me and my business with your patronage, and indeed, you’ve become a regular. And on behalf of the assembly here tonight, I’d just like to express our mutual condolences on the demise of your poor brother.”
“I appreciate your kind words,” said the man, “but to the best of my knowledge my brother’s are both fine and doing well in America.. I don’t understand your concern.”
“Well,” said the Publican, “until tonight you have always ordered two extra pints to share with your brothers, and when you ordered just one extra tonight, we feared for the worst.”
“Oh, is it that, is it?” said the man. “It’s not me brothers– it’s
meself. You see, today is Ash Wednesday, and I’ve given up beer for lent!”

2. The Transatlantic Flight
The flight, on a DC 9, was scheduled to take six hours. As luck would have it, just past the mid point of the ocean an engine flares and goes out. A number of passengers happen to see the event and everyone in the cabin is rather alarmed, until the captain comes on the intercom to tell people about the event and to reassure them that the plane can fly fine on the remaining three engines but that the trip will be lengthened another two hours. Not twenty minutes later the same thing happens to a
jet on the other side of the plane. Again the captain reassures the
passengers of their safety but that the flight will now be lengthened by two more hours. All is well for the next hour and a half, until a third engine flares out. The captain tells everyone that while this is unusual, he is unconcerned, the airplane can fly on one engine if it has too, but that the flight will now be delayed four additional hours on top of all the previous delays. At an attempt to reassure people, he tells them that it has never happened that all four engines went out on the same flight.
"I sure hope so," said one passenger, "because at the rate of these delays, if another engine goes out we'll be up here forever."

3. A heathen homebrewer from Calcutta
Makes beer in a sacred cow's utter.
He tried making wine'
But it took so much time'
That his beaujalais churned into butter!

Sam Piper, Laguna Hills, CA

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Tamara Norden, Shorewood, WI

An anteater walks into a bar and says that he'd like a
drink.

"Okay," says the bartender. "How about a beer?"

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o," replies the anteater.

"Then how about a gin and tonic?"

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o."

"A martini?"

"No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o."

Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "Hey, listen
buddy, if you don't mind me asking - why the long no's?"

Carolyn Kelly, Columbia, SC

So ... Did ya hear about the cowboy who walked into the saloon in an outfit made entirely of paper?

Yeah, they hanged him for rustlin'.

Ken Shaw, New York, NY

A man is dressing after a doctor appointment. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. You have one day to live."
"Oh, no!" says the man. "What's the good news?"
"That WAS the good news. The bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

Donald Van Deusen, Troy, NY

For some reason, I seem to have a lot of rabbit jokes. Here are a few--

*** What do you call a bunch of rabbits holding hands and walking backwards?

- A receding hare-line!

*** What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

- Hot, cross bunnies!

For those of you old enough to remember Westinghouse fridges:
*** Did you hear the one about the guy who found a rabbit in his icebox?
He opened his icebox, and there was this rabbit sitting in the middle of it. "What are you doing in my icebox?!" the befuddled man asked.
The rabbit replied, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Well," the rabbit said matter-of-factly, "I'm westing."

Eamonn Walker, Baton Rouge, LA

Why doesn't the ocean flow all over the land?

Because it's tide.

tina garber, Merced, , CA

Age: 11Picture an old western town. Saloon at the end of the street, noisy lunch hour, tiny player-piano in the background, raucous laughter, when in through the batwing doors comes a giant panda bear. The room is suddenly hushed in amazement. The panda goes to the bar and says, "Gimme some food! NOW!" The barkeep shakily hands over a plate of what ever he's got handy; the panda takes it to a table and devours it messily. Then he gets up, and quick as a wink turns to the nearest man and shoots him, then heads for the door. The barkeep sputters, "Bbbbut Mmmr. Bear sir, why'd you shoot him? What'd he ever do to you?" The panda snarls derisively over his shoulder at the man, "I'm a panda you dullard! Look it up!" and disapears as suddenly as he came. The barkeep and several of his patrons go to the dictionary kept in the back office and look up Panda Bear. They read the definition, and nod to each other: "Panda Bear: a large mammal native to Asia. Eats shoots and leaves."

Lisa Engstrom, Menlo Park, CA

My son and I were recently in Mobile, Alabama at the wharves when we spied a rather haggard old gentlemen who happened to have a peg leg, a hook for and arm, and an eyepatch. My 5 year old didn't hesitate one minute to ask the old tar what happened???? I was quite embarrassed and exclaimed "Son, that's not appropriate at all!".....but the old sailor stopped me and said "No, no...it's quite all right.....I'll tell ye laddie...harrrr!"

With me leg....it was off the coast of Austrailia on the Great Barrier Reef when a tremendous squall almost sank our ship and as I laboured to save her I was washed overboard by a smashing wave and into the mouth of a hungry shark........I escaped with me life but that old shark....he, he, took me leg with him I'm afraid.

My son, of course, asked about the hook. Again, I said SONNN! The old gentleman stopped me again and said...no its quite all right the young boy is merely curious. "It was off the coast of Morocco in 1915 when me freighter was boarded by a band of ruthless marauders....the fighting grew fierce and hand to hand........I was accosted from behind and turned and caught the sharp blade of the cutlass above the wrist. Fortuitously, we won the battle and I was taken to the infirmary and managed to survive less me hand....and in its place....this dreadful hook.

Of course my son to finish off asked about his eye....I made no attempt to stop him....

Harrr! the eye.......was around the Horn, we sailed, I was in the crow's nest keeping watch for the treacherous rocks when a bloody seagull appeared from out of nowhere headed straight for me...........startled I was and the bird pooped right in me eye as he flew over, damn him............

Gee Mr. after all those other dreadful experiences...you mean a little seagull poop cost you your eye?????

Sheepishly, the old salt replied " Well, yes laddie,,,you see it was me first day with the hook.

The End (finally)

Frog Palmer, Cordova, AL

A man was sitting next to a table where a woman was dining. Every time the waiter would pass by, she complained about the air-conditioning. First she was too hot and wanted it turned up. Then she was too cold and wanted it turned down. Each time, the waiter smiled politely and nodded, then walked away briskly.

After a half an hour of listening to this litany of yo-yo complaints, the man could stand it no longer. He cornered the waiter and fairly shouted, "Why don't you just throw her out of here! She's impossible. Aren't you sick of all that running around?

The waiter just smiled as he turned to delivery another tray of food, "No trouble, really — we don't have an air-conditioner."

Maggy Michaels, Fountain Hills, AZ

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

"In English," the linguistics professor instructed his class, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Richard Benzoni, Huntington Beach, CA

One frog croaks to another,
"Time's fun when you're having flies".

Jon Steel, Kenwood, CA

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Answer: He wanted to get a long little doggie

Chuck Coffey, Indianapolis, IN

A termite walked into a tavern and asked, "Is the bartender here?"

John Dykstra, Holland, MI

Ed: "Did ya hear what happened to the lady who backed into
the airplane propeller?"

Fred: "Nope."

Ed: "Disasster.

Patrick Flahive, Azusa, CA

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!

Amy Neto, Sacramento, CA

What does a cow drive to a date? A MOOOOOOstang!!!!!!! What does Pacman say at bedtime? Dad i'm afraid of the ghost's.
What does a dragon say when he goes on a date? You're hot.

Peter Sauls, Winston,salem, nc
Age: 8

What did OBE WAN KANOBE say to Luke when he tried to eat cake with his fingers? Use the fork, Luke, the fork

Andy Sauls, Winston,salem, nc
Age: 9

Do you want to hear a dirty joke? What happens to a white horse when it falls into a mud puddle? It gets dirty! What happens to a white horse when it falls into a really big mud puddle? It gets even dirtier!

Julia Glick, Evanston, IL
Age: 12

So, there was this man in a red converitble driving down the highway with two penguins in the backseat of his car. A cop pulled him over and said "hey, did you know that you have two penguins in the backseat of your car?" the man replies "yeah, I know! what should I do with them?" The police responds "well, I think that you should take them to the zoo. The next day the policeman's on duty and he sees the same car driving down the highway and he still had the two penguins in his car. The policeman pulled him over again and said "hey, didnt I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?" The man replies "We did, today we're going to the movies!"

Sarah Levine, Evanston, IL
Age: 12

What do you get when you cross a homing pigeon and a
parrot ?
VOICE MAIL

Fred Burgess, Trafalgar , IN

A fisherman was in a bar bragging about the 3 foot walleye he’d caught. A local, who had been sitting at the bar, and was feeling no pain, began telling of his last fishing trip to Minnesota. Their guide had told them that the best fishing was at night: so in the dark, they loaded the boat with tackle and that important fishing aid – beer - and headed out. This fellow said that when they were getting ready to throw the anchor line out, it became tangled with the kerosene lantern and the lantern fell into the lake, but it never stopped burning. They came back for 3 more nights and that lantern was still burning!. The walleye fisherman said, “That’s impossible – that lamp can’t burn without oxygen underwater for 3 days.” And the local replied…. “you take 12 inches off that fish and I’ll bring that lantern up sooner.”

kathy patterson, carmel, in

Have you ever seen the bird that hides from dumb people
Tim Ross, St pete, FL
Age: 16

Chinese Proverbs....

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Dale Moore, Lawton, MI

A chicken walks into the library, hops up onto the librarians desk, and says, "Bok!". The librarian, confused, stares at the chicken when the chicken again says, "Bok!", hops down, and walks over to the book shelves and pecks a book. So the librarian pulls one out for the chicken and tucks it under his wing. The chicken walks out the door.
The next day the chicken returns to the library, again hops up on the desk, drops the book from the previous day, and says, "Bok, bok!". The librarian, catching on, takes two books off of the shelves and tucks both under the chickens wing. Out goes the chicken once again.
The following day, the chicken again returns,drops his books on the desk, and says, "Bok, bok, bok!". By now the librarian is more than a little curious, so after giving the chicken his three books, she decides to follow him at a safe distance. Carefully, she ventures out through the front door, across the parking lot and down to the little park. Here, the chicken walks down to the edge of a pond and shows his three books to a frog, who says, "Read-it, read-it, read-it!".

Jeri Crawford, Antelope, CA

What do you use to fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste

Vicki Westergard, St. Petersburg, FL

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors, they'd be
chicken sedans.

Richard Addison-Wood, Seatoun, Wellington

Q. What has 8 eyes and 8 legs?

A. 8 pirates

Robert Mitchell, Boston, MA

A little boy answered the phone and a salesman asked if he could speak to his mother? The little boy whispered "no she is busy." The salesman then asked if he could speak to his father? The little boy whispered "no he is busy." The salesman then asked if anyone else was there? the little boy whispered "there is a policeman and four fireman." The salesman asked if he could speak to one of them? The little boy whispered "no they are busy." The salesman asked "what are they doing?' The little boy whispered "looking for me."

Mark Roodhouse, Shawnee, KS