A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

This falls into the category of "classy" fart jokes.

Beans were young Ervin's favorite food. They had the expected gastronomical effect, which was fine with Ervin until he met Frieda. Ervin and Frieda fell in love. As the wedding day drew nearer, Ervin found out that Frieda's pet peeve was farting. Not wanting to ever offend his bride to be, Ervin made the ultimate sacrifice and swore off beans forever.

After 50 years of wedded beanless bliss, Ervin was taking his morning walk downtown when he walked past a diner. Floating from the diner was the smell of baked beans. Ervin thought to himself, "I have resisted temptation for 50 years -- one plate of beans can't hurt." Well, one plate turned into three.

Satisfied, but rumbling inside, Ervin started for home. About halfway there, he began to toot. "I'll take the long way home, and walk it off." Things were better when by the time he got home.

Frieda met him at the door. "Dear, I have a surprise for our 50th anniversary -- but you need to put on this blindfold." Ervin did as he was told, then Frieda led him into the living room and sat him at the table. Though still sightless from the blindfold, his sense of smell told him there were lit candles on the table, and there were baked beans! What a dear woman, to give him beans after all these years.

Just before he was to take off the blindfold, the phone rang. Frieda said, "Wait there til I'm off the phone, so I can see the look in your eyes." Frieda went into the kitchen to catch the phone.

The smell of the beans triggered the biproduct of Ervin's earlier meal, and he needed to fart. Now, he had never farted in his wedded home, but he could hear Frieda chatting on the phone in the kitchen, and the candles would makes the smell. So, he leaned over in his chair and unleashed a loud, low, rumbling fart. As Frieda continued talking, more pains came, and he let go with two more farts, each louder and more emphatic than the first.

Finally, Frieda got off the phone, and came to Ervin's side. "Okay, sweetie. Take off the blindfold and see your surprise!" And, as he opened his eyes, he saw before him a big plate of beans and 20 of their closest friends!

Dean Kallenbach
Eau Claire, WI