A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

During the broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion on Saturday evening, November 11, Garrison Keillor invited members of the online community to take part in an email-style chat following the live show. The following transcript summarizes the session.

Greeting to chat subscribers

Good evening. Welcome to tonight's online conference with Roy A. Blount, Jr., and Garrison Keillor. Before we open the floor to questions, let's make it clear what the ground rules are. First of all, despite the tremendous pressure on them both in the wake of General Colin Powell's announcement that he will not run for President, neither Mr. Blount nor Mr. Keillor will be making a definitive announcement at this time whether they will step in and become candidates. So please don't ask them to. They think they have the passion, but aren't sure at this point. Maybe, maybe not. So tonight's not the night to declare their candidacy. They are, however, willing to discuss which one of them should be at the top of the ticket and which is better-suited to being a faithful, selfless, bootlicking vice-president. They are glad to discuss the question of whether to run as Republicans, Democrats, Whigs, or Independents. They are happy to discuss the matter of passion, and what it will take to be victorious in 1996. They are also glad to talk about the press, the role of PACs, their positions on issues, and they are prepared to discuss the deals they're willing to make with you in exchange for your support. --Garrison Keillor

The Transcript

Subject: Hi, we're here.

The press conference begins now. Present are: Roy A. Blount, Garrison
Keillor, two distinguished Americans, and Sandy Frazier, their media-savvy
chief advisor.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: Is GK allowed in the South?

>>Garrison & Roy,
>>
>>If you were to run on for the offices of president and vice president, would
>>Garrison be allowed to campaign in the South?
>>
>>Brian Z.
>>University of Texas

BLOUNT: Garrison, you can, during July and August, and I'll campaign when it
cools off.

KEILLOR: I don't know how to talk right.

BLOUNT: Oh, I wouldn't say that exactly. You don't have to talk right if you're
good at sweating and mopping your brow. In a just-folks sort of way.

KEILLOR: Do I have to drink bourbon out of a Dixie cup?

BLOUNT: Just don't drink it out of one of those long-stemmed wine glasses.

FRAZIER: Wine flutes.

KEILLOR: How do you know that? I thought you lived in Montana? They drink wine
out of their shoes in Montana. I guess presidential candidates can't say
that, can they.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: grub at state dinners

>>Gentlemen:
>>
>>If elected, what cuisine will you feature at State dinners?
>>Tuna noodle casserole? Meat loaf?

BLOUNT: Not every night.
>
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: press eating you alive

>>Keillor, don't even think about that Oval Office. After the press
>>gets through with you there will be nothing remaining except what appears to
>>be a tall, thin slice of Swiss cheese.
>>
>>Don't run for either office. The press will get you but good.
>>
>>Marilyn
>>Eau Claire

KEILLOR: I'm going to be at the bottom of the ticket, I assume, since I'm from
Minnesota. We supply vice-presidents.

BLOUNT: Georgia supplies ex-presidents.

KEILLOR: Marilyn, if it were up to me, I'd stay out of it, but the American
people are looking for us and it would hardly be meet for us to run from
their call.

BLOUNT: We will have such great slogans that the press will not be able to
resist us. For example--- WE LEAP INTO BREACHES ONE LEG AT A TIME, LIKE
EVERYONE ELSE.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: What will you call YOUR deal?

>>MISDEAL?
>>
>>We've had a New Deal, a Fair Deal, and a Square Deal. What could we
>>expect from your party?
>>
>>Gary R.

BLOUNT: No Big Deal.

KEILLOR: I think it'll simply be called "Deal".

FRAZIER: Done Deal.

BLOUNT: Then we don't actually have to do it. Great.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: 4 questions

>>TO ROY: How's a nice southern lad such as yourself to be expected
>>to campaign in NH in January?

BLOUNT: I will carry some whiskey and stay in my room.

>>TO BOTH CANDIDATES: If you decide to jettison the traditional political
>>parties and run as independents, how do you plan to finance the campaign?

KEILLOR: Glad you asked that question. We're ready to deal tonight. Who's out
there, what do you want, what'll you give us for it? Same as any other
campaign. The ambassadorship to Denmark, for example, has gone for $100,000
minimum the past four elections. We're no dummies.

BLOUNT: I intend to sell enough books to finance some of it anyway.

>>TO BOTH CANDIDATES: define 'family values' and its role in your
>>in your party platform?

BLOUNT: "Family values" includes many things, such as, for example, and this is
only one of many --- how much of the back seat do you get and how much does
your sister get?

KEILLOR: I'm with Roy there and on most other things.

>>TO BOTH CANDIDATES: As performers on public radio do you feel
>>there's a conflict of interest between your political ambitions and the
>>government subsidies of public broadcasting?
>>
>>Kris

KEILLOR: There are public subsidies of political ambitions all over the place,
much more direct than this.

BLOUNT: So far, public radio has not subsidized me very much.

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Subject: Re: no televised press conferences?

>>Dear Garrison,
>>
>>I am a twelve-year-old girl. I think you look just great on the
>>radio. Please don't ever go on TV
>>
>>Sarah Sullivan

BLOUNT: Actually I am a twelve-year-old girl, too, and I agree with you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: Sandy's qualifications

>>Would you tell us something, please, of the qualifications and goals of
>>Sandy? Thank you.
>>
>>Martin Fass

FRAZIER: I enjoy sketching and skiing, making love in the out of doors. Turn
offs: smog, LA traffic, red meat, and pushy people.

KEILLOR: Sandy is a brilliant political analyst and theoretician, underneath his
casual manner. Roy and I --- or should I say, I and Roy --- would never
consider making this race without him on our team.

BLOUNT: Actually, he's a very private person. This is the first I've heard about
the skiing and red meat.

FRAZIER: I'm a private person but the camera turns me on.

BLOUNT: I'd be glad to be the analyst and let Sandy be the candidate. That's how
I feel about him.

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Subject: Re: Roy's lifestyle

>>I have read you in Men's Journal and it seems to me that your lifestyle, (re:
>>womanizing, alcohol, etc.) could present a problem for extreme right-wing
>>conservative fundamentalists and therefore your success in an election.
>> Comment please.

BLOUNT: I don't think womanizing and alcohol presents any problem for right
wing fundamentalists, they've always been very good at it.

KEILLOR: I remember you writing about fly fishing. Is that a code term for
something you and I ought to talk about now, Roy?

BLOUNT: That's salmonizing.

KEILLOR: Simonizing.

BLOUNT: I better go back and read what I wrote.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: your party affiliation & Rush L.

>>Do you consider yourself a democrat, republican, libertarian, or none of the
>>above? Would you consider Rush Limbaugh as a running mate?

Keillor: I'm just an old-fashioned midwestern liberal with sentimental
tendencies. I get weepy singing old Pete Seeger songs. I like worker fiction
from the Thirties.

BLOUNT: I'm just a yellow dog Democrat who is running out of yellow dogs.

FRAZIER: I work for the side that pays the most.

BLOUNT: I think Rush Limbaugh is too fat to run anywhere with or without anyone
else.

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Subject: Re: your strategy in the South

>>Messrs. Keillor and Blount--
>>I'm from the South (almost--Tennessee). If you should decide to run,
>>do you have a Southern Strategy to carry this important region of the
>>country?
>>
>>Kate S.
>>University of Tennessee, Knoxville

FRAZIER: Walk the elephant and pitch to the giraffe.

KEILLOR: We're paying him for that advice?

BLOUNT: I'm not paying him, are you? If you are, pay me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: VPs not selfless

>>The vice presidents haven't been exactly selfless, either. Look at
>>Bush.
>>
>>Eileen K.

Keillor: As a Midwesterner I'm offering to run as v-p and I am about as selfless
and colorless as they come. You could take me anywhere and nobody would
mind. Not much.

BLOUNT: I can't believe how selfless I am sometimes. It's one of the most
fascinating things about me.

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Subject: Re: frightening defeat

>>Cold feet is a fatal political disease this year. Use the
>>following questions to see if you really have what it takes.
>>
>>General Colin "Overkill" Powell didn't run because no one would
>>guarantee that he would win. Does the prospect of defeat terrify you?
>>Could you survive losing to Newt Gingrich and remain sober?
>
>>Gerald K.

>BLOUNT: What do you mean, "remain" sober?

KEILLOR: We have never considered the possibility of defeat. It is the last thing
on our minds, even after your mentioning it so graphically.

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Subject: Re: muskie for national fish

>>WE WHO LIVE IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN AND WHO REVERE
>>THE BIG MUSKIE, WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE MUSKIE BECOME
>>THE NATIONAL FISH. THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT DEAL OF
>>DEBATE RELATIVE TO THIS CHANGE OF NATIONAL POLICY.
>>
>>WHERE DO YOU STAND???

KEILLOR: I stand solidly in favor of all fish. Where would we be without them?

BLOUNT: I think that any fish that cried in New Hampshire and lost the primary
in 72 is not a fish of national stature.

KEILLOR: What's the national fish now?

BLOUNT: It's a state thing. Let's leave it there. Or with the counties.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: a *woman* for the job

>>I think a combination of a southern candidate and a northern candidate is a
>>great way to unite the country. However, determining which representative
>>should be vice-president would prove a divisive point. Perhaps with some
>>>coaching from your media-savvy advisor. . .
>>Then again, if she is really savvy, *she* might be a better candidate.

BLOUNT: They must think Sandy is a woman. He's not, is he?

FRAZIER: I am a twelve-year-old girl.

KEILLOR: Glad you see the unity possibilities of the ticket. We still haven't
decided who's who, and the evening is getting old. The last time, LBJ was on
top and Hubert Humphrey was on the bottom. Maybe it's time to switch.

BLOUNT: Mondale and Carter were Fritz and Grits.

KEILLOR: I'm from Anoka, Minnesota. We could be Anoka and Okra.

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Subject: Re: your public personae

>>To Mr. Keillor and Mr. Blount:
>>
>>A recent poll indicated that voters tend to think of Bill Clinton
>>as a teenage brother, Bob Dole as a stern uncle, and Colin Powell as a
>>father or grandfather.
>>
>>How do you think the electorate will regard your public personae?
>>
>>--Jim G.

KEILLOR: I am definitely a brother-in-law. Roy is Old College Pal.

BLOUNT: I'm a grandfather and I would be happy to send pictures.

FRAZIER: Let's see.

BLOUNT: Don't offend any members of your own family.

KEILLOR: I am a stern brother-in-law. I don't mean that I don't have standards.

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Subject: Re: your stand on singles

>>It's tough for singles in this area. Nearly everyone between 20 and 35
years of age is attached and "earnestly birthing". What do you propose to do
>>about such situations?
>>
>>Marji Piech
>>Warm River, ID

BLOUNT: I thought everybody in Idaho was stockpiling chemical fertilizer.

KEILLOR: Marji, we're going to be looking carefully at that whole singles
situation and making our recommendations based upon the best opinions we can
find.

FRAZIER: Have a mixer with Oregon, Marji.

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Subject: Re: degree of bootlicking

>>Please define the necessary degree of bootlicking required.

BLOUNT: A Ph.D. would be just fine.

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Subject: Re: friendliness as a platform

>>What is your position on Friendliness in this country. Willie has really
>>been trying, but can't get a breakthrough. Don't you think that you and Roy
>>could really be a lot more effective in this area. Will it be in your
>>platform??
>>
>>Thanks
>>Gail in River City

Keillor: Friendliness will be in our manner, Gail. It will be in our voices and
in our eyes. Roy has never met a man he didn't like. This will be more clear
with time.

BLOUNT: We will not pretend to be friends with everyone. We have to have enemies
to attack.

KEILLOR: Greedy people, for example.

BLOUNT: Khaddafi.

KEILLOR: Merchants of hate.

FRAZIER: The guy upstairs from me.

KEILLOR: The Guy Upstairs is definitely our friend.

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Subject: Re: Could you run negative ads?

>>Gentlemen:
>>
>>Aren't you too polite to run the kind of negative ads that are so prevalent
>>in political campaigns these days?
>>
>>Worried about your commitment,
>>
>>Bob S.

BLOUNT: Bob S., that's the stupidest question of the night. It's questions like
that that are running this country into the sewer. If we're elected, I'll
see to it that your tax returns are audited going back to the first thing
you ever stole.

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Subject: Re: relocating Southerners to the North

>>This question is directed towards Mr. Keillor. In your previous
>>discussions, you have noted the importance of cold weather in building
>>character. I was wondering if you planned to utilize this insight in
>>improving the character of our nation, perhaps by relocating Southerners
>>to a cold climate for a year? (I don't expect them to like it, but I
>>feel it is what our country needs.)
>>
>>Eric

Keillor: We are one nation and one people, Eric. I do not look at the accent or
the regional dress of a person --- such as Roy's big tie with oranges on it
and his green pants and white shoes --- I look at the man underneath.

BLOUNT: That doesn't mean what you think it means.

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Subject: Re: honesty & height

>>What about the importance of Tallness
>>and the supposed honesty of a presidential contender? Considering that
>>Lincoln was Tall, don't you both feel that this is an important
characteristic?
>>
>>Marilyn S.
>>Eau Claire

KEILLOR: I am taller than Roy --- in fact, almost two feet taller --- but I don't
consider him that dishonest compared to other people running for office.

BLOUNT: The taller man usually wins. Except Jimmy Carter, who beat Ford. I hope
Ford gets nominated again.

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Subject: Re: Humorists in the Oval Office

>>Dear Garrison and Roy:
>>With respect to your previous work experience, and that of previous
>>presidents....
>>
>>Have there ever been any previous presidents who were HUMORISTS (excepting,
>>of course, Richard Nixon)?
>>
>>Marcus of Alexandria (VA)

BLOUNT: Martin Van Buren was known to get off a good one now and then.

FRAZIER: Warren G. Harding wrote for Hee Haw.

KEILLOR: That was a boy's magazine of the time, which specialized in clean humor.
I don't think that humor should disqualify a man from running for office.
Humor is a way of saying two things at one time, a useful talent.

BLOUNT: Don't forget Franklin Pierce.

FRAZIER: Never.

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Subject: Re: kissing babies

>>What about kissin' babies? Is that still "in"?
>>
>> Sharon D

BLOUNT: You can blow kisses to babies. You don't touch them anymore unless they
sign a waiver.

KEILLOR: There have been too many misunderstandings in the past.

BLOUNT: Babies resent being patronized and stereotyped.

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Subject: Re: Best spitter gets the top of the ticket

>>Spitting is important in the south.
>>
>>How far can you two spit? Maybe the one who can spit further should become
>>vice president.
>>
>>Marji Piech
>>Warm, River, Idaho

BLOUNT: No wonder you can't get a date.

KEILLOR: Roy can spit twice as far as I can. I saw him spit six feet once. And he
meant it.

BLOUNT: And my feet didn't even leave the floor.

KEILLOR: Our upbringing in the Midwest makes spitting pretty much impossible for
us. We can't drop trash in the street or spit.

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Subject: Re: your campaign needs direction

>>So far, you both are being excellent politicians. No one can tell
>>where you are going or what you are doing.
>>
>>Marilyn
>>Eau Claire

Keillor: This is an exploratory time for us, Marilyn. We're looking within
ourselves, trying to see if we have the fire in the belly, and we're looking
out there, trying to ascertain the needs of the American people, especially
those in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. If we run for office, Eau Claire is
definitely going to be right there at the top of our list.

BLOUNT: I love Eau Claire and I've never even been there.

KEILLOR: We're both being extremely careful in taking positions prematurely
because Sandy Frazier has warned us not to. He is just incredibly smart. You
would be impressed if you were here with us at the hotel. He has more good
reasons for things than anybody I ever knew.

BLOUNT: Like I said, I love Eau Claire.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: Re: can you make sure govt. continues after Monday?

>>Hey, you guys. I work for Aunt Sammy/Uncle Sam--yes, I'm a bureaucrat--and
>>it looks like I and 40 gazillion other feds will be out of work after
>>Monday, when the federal government may well close down.
>>
>>What do you propose to do to ensure that government continues, more
>>or less?
>>
>>Janet H.

KEILLOR: Roy and I are both going to the post office and buy extra stamps on
Monday as our way of helping out.

BLOUNT: And then we'll throw them away as a gesture.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Subject: GOOD NIGHT

KEILLOR: I'd like to thank all of you who've shown interest in the Blount-Keillor
campaign. These will be difficult days ahead for all of us as we look
carefully at all aspects of the situation and make a clear determination,
but I can promise you that you can rest assured tonight. Something has
happened here and I was proud to be part of it.

BLOUNT: If it's okay with the Chat List, it's okay with me.

KEILLOR: I'd like to personally thank Sandy Frazier for being here tonight. You
wouldn't believe what a source of strength he's been through all of this.

BLOUNT: I couldn't agree with you more because nothing could be closer to the
truth.

KEILLOR: We're going to consult closely with Colin Powell. We're going to consult
with our publishers. We're going to talk to our wives. But right now we're
going out for dinner.

BLOUNT: I'm going to have the muskie.

KEILLOR: Speaking of that, what brand of cologne are you using? It's different,
I'll say.

FRAZIER: It's called Schweitzer.

BLOUNT: It's the Reverence for Life line.

KEILLOR: Are you wearing --- never mind.

BLOUNT: Now we belong to the ages.

CREDITS: Producer: John Pearson; Moderator and media relations: Katy Reckdahl; System engineer: Loren Lovhaug; Software engineers: Gerry Abraham and Jean Joslyn.