A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

During the broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion on Saturday evening, October 28, Garrison Keillor invited members of the online community to take part in a Writers Meeting to be held following the live show. The following transcript summarizes the email chat that took place.

Greeting to chat subscribers

Welcome to the Prairie Home Companion Writers Meeting here around the old conference table scarred with cigarette burns and coffee stains, littered with pages of rewrites from tonight's show.

You're the new writer on staff, so take your place at the table and be prepared to speak up. We old veteran writers want to hear your ideas; we burned out long ago and haven't had an original idea in years. We're just hanging on hoping PHC gets bought by Time Warner and we can get on the gravy train.

Here's the problem: radio is a goat, it eats reams of material. Shows stretch on into the future like great empty pits. Our job is to fill them.

What can we do with Guy Noir, radio private eye, sitting in his dingy office on the 12th floor of the Acme Building? Who can knock on his door next week? Should we send him somewhere? Should he fall in love? Should his old girlfriend Sugar come back? Should we shoot him? Should we get him a dog? An owl? Throw him in jail? Make him rich? Cut off his nose?

The Lives of the Cowboys, Dusty and Lefty. Dusty has moved to town and become a market researcher and is engaged to marry Loretta in a few weeks. Shall we let him do it or do we intervene? Shall the old pardners be reunited on the lonesome prairie and ride off to an adventure together (and what shall it be)? Or do we marry off Dusty and have Lefty come to town occasionally and commiserate with him?

Maurice the maitre'd at the Cafe Boeuf. What can we do with this arrogant Frenchman that we haven't done twice already? In the past, he was a supporting character in the Boeuf series, which featured an argumentative couple eating dinner, and then we moved Maurice to the front. Shall we give him a rest, make him a murmuring presence in the background, and create new characters? Shall we get him to reminisce about his years in Paris with Camus and Sartre and Edith Piaf and Catherine Deneuve? Shall we try to teach him some correct French?

In the PHC graveyard lie old series like Gloria, Adventures in Ethics, Lonesome Radio Theater, The Associate Professors, There They Were, American Duct Tape with Ernie Brower, etc. Do we try to revive any of these mastodons? Or shall we invent new mastodons? An adventure series about the Internet? We'll consider anything (except a series about writers).

You see the problem.

GK will attend the meeting, but it will be chaired by Head Writer Norman Conquest, with Guy Wire, Natalie Dressed, Sandy Beach, and Cliff Hanger slumped in their chairs around the table.

The Transcript

Garrison: Welcome. Take a seat. Hello everybody. The show's done, the autographs (3) are signed and now we writers face the long grim climb back up the slippery slope of Art to next week's show. Glad you joined us. Guy Wire is here....

Guy: Hi guys.

Garrison: And Ernest Money.

Ernest: Hi. That's all.

Garrison: And Sandy Beach.

Sandy: Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. I really want to thank all of the folk's who've come online with us.

Ernest: Sandy, you don't need an apostrophe to say the plural of folk.

Sandy: Screw you, Ernest.

>Subject: Guy Noir gets a dog

>Guy Noir gets a dog. He is a mangy mutt, dirty and flea-bitten, but dark
>and shifty-eyed in a way that Guy has to admire. Rover is a dog who
>never sleeps and can shoot a gun when he has to.
>
>Heidi Reichner

Sandy: It's a beautiful idea, Heidi. I love it.

Garrison: How do you do mangy on the radio, kid? And dirty?

Ernest: You can tell from his voice. But you need a better name than Rover.

Garrison: If you ask me, a dog is a pretty slim vehicle for drama, but what do I know, I'm only the host. Heidi, do some more work on this. What else can the wonder dog do?

Ernest: He could have a lot of intuition that Guy doesn't have.

>Subject: Re: Quebec's secession & PHC

>Quebec secedes (in Tuesday's election).
>Francophobe terrorists torch Cafe Boeuf locations
>in the rest of Canada and the US
>Guy Noir investigates; recommends that Maurice
>acquire a popular partner for public relations.
>Buster the Showdog returns, buys half interest.
>Buster-Boeuf advertises on its own WWW site.
>
>Silliness aside, mille grazie to Garrison Keillor and
>the entire ensemble for many years of listening enjoyment.
>
>Nancy G.
>Alameda, CA

Garrison: Another dog idea?

Ernest: What if they only sabotage the restaurants by serving snails?

Sandy: Diseased snails.

Guy: This show comes on during suppertime, folks. Let's limit the amount of retching on the broadcast.

Garrison: PHC is pretty anti-Canadian so I don't know if we want to get involved in politics there. We're on the front line of defense here. We just need to watch for frostbacks.

>Subject: Re: Ingkvists, Maurice, Guy Noir, politics

>Dear Garrison and all the folks at mpr.org,
>
>Here are some story line ideas.
>
>1) Pastor and Judy Ingkvist should definitely re-frame their winter vacation
>as a mission trip, to the most exotic place imaginable (preferably someplace
>that sounds less exotic than it is). Perhaps they could come back with great
>tans but full of strange ideas.
>
>2) Maurice of the Cafe Boeuf is overdue to get involved in the European
>Community. The cafe needs to broaden its menu and outlook and become the One
>World cafe. It would have an interesting effect on the ambiance.
>
>3) Guy Noir should marry his sweetie already and become a family man. It
>would be interesting to follow him as he combines the life of a tough,
>world-weary, bitter, down-at-the-heels gumshoe with the life of a devoted
>dad. His wife would probably work and he would have to share child care duty
>and poop patrol. They would be real standouts among the parents at their
>children's soccer and Little League games and in the PTA.
>
>4) More Republican-bashing, please. We need it badly. Your show was what got
>me through last fall, especially November and December. I am eternally
>grateful.
>
>Affectionately,
>
>Susan Y.
>Tulsa, OK
>A Lutheran in Oklahoma

Garrison: Guy Noir should marry who? I want to see a profile, Susan. Be plausible.

Sandy: I love it. Especially the Republican bashing.

Ernest: Let's send the Ingkvists to Palm Beach.

Garrison: Lake Wobegon isn't up to the writers, let's make that clear. Lake Wobegon is a town north of here and people do what they do and they don't listen to writers. Be real. But I like the Noir marriage idea. Just need some more info, Susan. Get back to me.

Guy: What is a World Cafe?

>Subject: Re: Cyber-Cowboys??

>Will Dusty and Lefty have their own home page soon? Home on the
>web?
>
>Kris
>CompuServe

Ernest: Seems like Dusty and Lefty will have separate home pages soon.

Garrison: We need to figure out tonight if Dusty and Loretta are going to get married.

Guy: Maybe she should marry Guy Noir.

Sandy: I don't understand Loretta yet. It's such a guy script, the woman is a total cipher. You people don't understand women.

Garrison: One of our new writers, Marcia Law, has come in.

Marcia: I agree with Sandy. Loretta is completely marginalized in that cowboy script. I'd like to hear from some women out there and let's make our voices heard around here. Let these aging adolescents who write this garbage know that it isn't the Fifties anymore.

Ernest: Thanks for sharing.

>Subject: Re: Maurice, frustrated actor

>We all know that those people who work in restaurants are failing and
>struggling actors (including Maurice and all of the stupid Halloween
>characters). Take Maurice to auditions, let's see him at "A Chorus Line"
>or perhaps auditioning for "Phantom of the Opera." No doubt, a French
>phantom has never been seen.

Garrison: This is a brilliant idea.

Sandy: Maurice has never left the restaurant in three years of doing this series. The writers on this show don't know how to get people in and out of rooms.

Garrison: Sandy, please.

Guy: Tom Keith, who plays Maurice, can sing "Danny Boy". That should be good for something.

>Dusty and Loretta definitely need to get married. Then we would get to
>see their honeymoon, please delete the gory details. Loretta and
>Dusty/Kenneth riding-off into the sunset. On horseback, of course.

Garrison: Ernest?

Ernest: I don't think Dusty and Loretta should rush into marriage. Let's keep the conflict going for awhile.

Sandy: What conflict?

Marcia: Right. The woman is a blank.

Sandy: Let's begin by sending Lefty into the sunset. At the very least, does he always need to have a plug of tobacco in his cheek? It's disgusting.

Garrison: Let's hear more on this idea, folks. When is the wedding? And how about Lefty riding in and rescuing Dusty as he stands there at the altar?

Sandy: Give me a break.

Ernest: Let's get both of them back out on the plains where there are snakes and coyotes.

>True story like, who got her scarf caught in the mixer. My mom was
>mashing potatoes one Thanksgiving. I was about sixteen. The kitchen was
>packed, as they always are over the Holiday family gatherings. The mixer
>my mom was using to mash the potatoes was passed its prime. It was an
>older model, the musty yellow that flourished in the sixties. The cord
>came out its plug on the backside of the mixer and fell in the potatoes.
>Naturally my mom grabbed it and removed the mashed potatoes by sucking
>them off. It was a unique sight to see her shake and fling it from her
>mouth. She's fine and now I can black male her with this story.

>Slade Thompson

Garrison: Okay, thanks, Slade.

Marcia: What about the black male?

>Subject: Re: Cyber cafe, canine gear, BS hip boots

>Hi there--
>
>In order to compete with a hip new coffee shop across the street,
>Maurice of Cafe Boeuf attempts to draw the generation-X crowd by
>installing a dangerous Italian espresso machine, dressing in black,
>putting a computer on every table, and playing loud
>"industrial" music.

Garrison: I love the idea of a coffee machine. This is a winner. Sign up Eisenbeis.

Guy: One more thing we can explode. I'm all for it.

Marcia: This really is a one-track show, isn't it.

>Bertha's Kitty Boutique branches out into canine gear, offering
>a full line of muzzles, manacles, short chains, shock collars, and
>rubber sweaters for dogs -- a stunning collection sure to send
>shivers of pleasure down your kitty's spine.

Guy: I detect a streak of perversion here that I don't think a family-type
show ought to be wading into. It's a sick world out there and that's why we
don't live out there.

>Guys Shoes comes out with hip-waders for when the "BS" gets deep.
>Comes in a tartan plaid for fraternity reunions, pinstripe for business
>meetings, and black with a velvet stripe for black-tie-only occasions.
>Also available as an accessory-- a matching lightweight folding
>shovel.

>Hans Eisenbeis

Ernest: I like a bullshit wader. Wish I had a pair right now.

Garrison: Your coffee machine idea is good, Hans. Let's work it in next week.

>Subject: Re: mutiny at Cafe Boeuf

>Just once, I'd like to hear a little mutiny at the Cafe Boeuf...it hurts me
to >hear that poor duck losing his head week after week.
>
>Kyle Lundby

Guy: What duck, Kyle? I think maybe you haven't been tuning in lately. Are you listening to old tapes?

Garrison: Sounds like Car Talk to me. Maybe your signals are bouncing off the silos out there. We don't kill ducks on the show.

Ernest: He's thinking of Duck Tape.

>Subject: Re: Dusty the poet
>Wasn't Dusty the Closet Poet? I think we oughta let him get married,
>but permit him to continue writing cowboy poetry on the sly. Maybe
>he can attend a poetry slam at a trail campfire and realize how
>much he misses the cowboy life. Maybe his marketing talents will
>continue to depend on his contacts with Lefty. Let Lefty attend
>one of his focus groups and comment on the lack of inspiration in
>his marketing pitches (for cowboy oriented products).
>
>Kris
>CompuServe

Garrison: Let's hire Kris. You available?

Sandy: Dusty a poet?

Ernest: Let's get the poet back on his horse, back on the trail. Marriage is the deathbed of romance. You can quote me.

Garrison: Let's have Dusty write a poem about the beauties of the trail and it'll persuade him to give it one more try.

Guy: The beauty of the buttes.

Marcia: You guys.

>Subject: Re: Maurice's mom visits
>Maurice's mom should come to the restaurant. The nagging of an elderly
>French woman would make a wonderful compliment to his voice. I can just
>hear the arguments and motherly instructions.
>
>Slade Thompson
>Gustavus

Garrison: Need an actress for this? Someone who can speak French that I can translate.

Sandy: You need a writer to write it.

Guy: Are you Gusties drinking a lot of beer tonight? Let us know if you need more.

>Subject: Re: Guy Noir--meditation, crystals, etc.

>My father and I think that Guy Noir should look into alternative detection
>methods to solve his lifestyle problems. What about using the principles of
>economic theory a la "The Fatal Equilibrium" by Marshall Jevons. Weighing
costs >and benefits. Marginal utility. Cost determination. A wealth of possibilities
>opens up. And what about other "alternatives"-crystal readings, biofeedback
>(machine assisted meditation to bring up solutions in the dregs of his mind,
or >to bring up people from the dregs of his mind to the door of his office). A
>little imagination goes a long way.
>
>Keep up the good work! (We tune in every Saturday and Sunday. With no TV on
>this south-facing slope Prairie Home Companion provides a nice amount of
active >fodder for the weeks thoughts. Books are enjoyable but a little more
passive.) >
>Marji P.
>Warm River, ID

Guy: What is Warm River named for, Marji? What makes it warm?

Sandy: You guys are disgusting.

Garrison: I like the idea for Guy Noir, if I can figure out what marginal utility means in this case? Guy Noir is pretty marginal, and as far as cost determination, nobody ever pays him.

Ernest: Marginal meditation and a mangy dog. Like it.

Garrison: Let's hear more from you, Marji.

>Subject: Re: hire rocky terrain

>I suggest you hire Rocky Terrain as a staff writer. He comes cheap, and I
>can personally vouch for the quality of his work.
> -Judy Holte
Garrison: Consider Rocky hired. Okay, Sandy Beach?

Sandy: I don't get it.

>Subject: Re: France's atomic tests/radioactive Boeuf

>This morning's news (heard on NPR, of course) gave me an idea
>for a story line concerning Maurice of the Cafe Boeuf. Perhaps Maurice
>could entice guests of the restaurant to bask in the warm glow of
>the upcoming holiday season by serving fish caught off of the South
>Pacific atoll where his countrymen have been conducting nuclear tests
>lately.
>
> Keep doing good work,
> David Steensma
Garrison: Good. Tuna that ticks.

Guy: Neon fish.

Marcia: I'd like to get this show away from violence and explosions if that's possible, David.

>Subject: Re: Guy Noir & a performance art professor
>Patti Parkens, a Professor from Poughkeepsie enlists Guy's
>assistance. She's a performance arts and philosophy professor at Vassar
>(remember that liberal arts here means *anything* goes--violently pink hair
>doesn't get a second glance) and she's put together a picture/sculpture
>presentation featuring tiny and towering twos (representing duality in
>nature? Themes both physical and mental?). But someone's stolen two of
>her twos...use phrases like "two too few twos" liberally. She suspects
>Rutti Tutti, a progressive from the physics department working in tangible
>mathematics.
>
>I'm over the word limit, but this would be especially appropriate
>at the Dec. 9th show, when a full row in Town Hall will be filled with all
>of the PHC fans from Vassar.
>
>Nikki Meer

Marcia: This is a wonderful idea and I'll do everything I can to work for it within this staff.

Garrison: Why not Vicky Wesson of Vassar, who visits her vicar in West Fissure who is devastated after his vasectomy?

Sandy: Get a life.

Marcia: Right back to the gutter.

>Subject: Re: paleontology bit on PHC

>What about a paleontologist who comes across a new dig each week; the
>finds are old relics of today.
>
>One find might be a middle-aged, still living Minnesotan whose been found
>under miles of snow for decades; she's been baking meatloaf (now petrified)
>and waiting with Jell-O (still good) for guests to come over to get updates
>on the Hubert Humphrey election campaign.
>
>Another week might be a dig revealing extinct foot-eaters that burrowed
>into people's feet and widened the bottoms of their pants legs. This new
>scientific discovery is being refuted by clothing companies who deny that
>bell-bottoms were stolen off of dead people.
>
>Another week might be a discovered high school wide receiver from the
>'50s, mentally lost in the final quarter of his final high school game.
>
>Adam McFarlane
>Gustavus

Garrison: Someone did this. Maybe James Thurber.

Guy: I like the foot eaters. We haven't used that joke for months.

>Subject: Re: Drive-thru window at Boeuf

>Garrison, here's an idea for the Cafe Boeuf portion of A Prairie Home
>Companion: The Cafe Boeuf installs a drive-thru window, with Maurice (of
>course) at the window. I have had this idea for awhile, but I never had the
>chance to.

>   ________
>  /       /----.__       TNG Lover
> /_______//||[ |_ `-._
>

Garrison: NO, I think Maurice was thinking about it. A consultant recommended it. I like it. But it would have to be a slow drive through. Cars honking in the drive. French food takes time. Sauce isn't quick.

>Subject: Re: We need to see Maurice outside the Cafe
>Why can't GK run into Maurice at places other than the CB? Does
>Maurice go to the laundromat? Bowling? Mexican restaurants? Maurice at a
>bar, blotto on St. Patrick's day? Maurice at a health club? What's the
>most embarrassing place for GK to run into Maurice? Also, what did
>Maurice do during WWII, was he a collaborator? Partisan? GK has business
>dealing with someone from Maurice's past and they go to the CB for a
>business lunch.
>
>jacks@sequent.com

Ernest: That's a good idea, running into Maurice at an embarrassing place.

Marcia: Maybe at a health club.

Garrison: A Cuban-Chinese restaurant, eating sloppy rice.

Sandy: Does Maurice have a past?

Ernest: Does he have a girlfriend?

Garrison: I think so. But we've never consummated anything. She's always on the verge of arriving and then she never does.

Guy: Does this reflect personal experience of some sort?

>Subject: Re: Scandinavian restaurant competes w/Cafe Boeuf

>What if a Scandinavian (lutefisk, lefsa, Danish pastries, smorgasbord,
>etc.) or a German (sauerkraut, bratwurst, beer, etc.) restaurant starts
>competing with the Cafe Boeuf? What would Maurice do? How would he
>respond? What would he think of the uncouth, uncultured patrons of such
>as establishment? Would he secretly be jealous?
>
>Adam McFarlane
>Gustavus

Ernest: We beat on the Scandinavians hard enough as it is. They're getting flat heads from it.

>Subject: Re: Cowboy Noir

>Dusty is all set to marry Loretta, when she mysteriously disappears at the
>last minute, leaving Dusty at the altar. In desperation (he would have to
>be desperate) he enlists the services of Guy Noir to find her. Guy does
>find her and she finds him...very attractive and ditches Dusty as a result.
>Dusty and Lefty ride off into the sunset, having become sick of all the
>high fallutin' city slickers and their city slicker ways. Loretta hangs
>around the Acme building for awhile, but eventually grows bored and moves
>on. Guy takes it all in stride.
>
>Eric I.
>Portland, OR

Garrison: One problem is that (ahem) I play Guy Noir and I play Lefty. So there are certain strategic problems.

Sandy: Get another actor to play Guy Noir.

Garrison: Then we'd have to fire one of the writers.

Sandy: Fire Ernest.

Ernest: How'd I know you were going to say that?

Garrison: I'm going to rule out your idea, Eric, on the grounds that we never cross over between segments --- i.e. Dusty doesn't go to the Cafe Boeuf, Maurice doesn't flack for Guy's Shoes, and so forth. It's too incestuous.

Ernest: I just got hired last week.

Sandy: Some books don't take long to figure out.

>Subject: Re: Pop Beloved/little match girl kicked off welfare

>Can't you bring back Bob Eliot and have him resuscitate Pop Beloved? Here
>was a wonderful fellow, generous, practical, warm-hearted. Pair him up
>with the little match-girl who has been kicked off welfare by the bad men
>in Washington. It would write itself.
>
>Dave J. Knoxville

Garrison: Dave, I'd love to bring back Bob, but the last I heard he was at work on a book and you don't want to interrupt a writer who's working.

Guy: That's why we're available tonight for this discussion.

Garrison: I could try playing Pop Beloved.

Marcia: Let's talk to your son first. He works for the show doesn't he? I thought I heard his name on the credits.

>Subject: Re: Seasonal Affective Disorder
>How about Guy Noir finding out that he suffers from seasonal affective disorder
>and actually has another separate personality?
>
>PE Johnson

Garrison: What's the other personality?

Ernest: His charm is that he has not that much personality to start with.

Sandy: His other personality could be GK's personality, since you're playing the role. The dour Scot, choleric, locked in your office, unable to communicate with people. Hard to do on radio, but worth a try.

Garrison: No comment.

Ernest: I've only been working here a week. Don't look at me.

>Subject: Re: from pair in Anoka--Guy Noir's brother, Pinot

>Pinot Noir, Guy's half-brother, shows up after 20 years of West Coast living.
> He's on the lam from his California restaurant. He's accused of knocking
>off the wine distributor kingpin, Mickey Merlot. The police say the weapon
>was a cork from a bottle of champagne. You see, Mickey had cornered the wine
>distribution market in northern CA. If your restaurant didn't buy from
>Mickey, you were forced to build your wine list with Utah wines. You had no
>other choice.
>
>"They claim I nailed the brute with a Brut" Pinot says. "But I'm innocent,
>Guy! Will you help me clear my name?"
>
>"Well, Pinot this could be a case of sour grapes. I don't know."
>
>"Guy, Guy, Guy. After all these years, it's time to cork our differences.
> I've aged - to perfection. It would be a shame to continue to spill the
>barrel."
>
>"Oh, yeah! What's in it for a lite beer drinker like me?"
>
>submitted Wes & Maria P. Anoka, MN

Garrison: I like the Mickey Merlot scam. The Utah wines. Except maybe make it Iowa wines.

Ernest: Margaret Margaux could come in here.

Garrison: Funny idea.

Guy: My sediments exactly.

Sandy: Puns are a childish form of humor. Freud said that, I think.

Ernest: You need to think Jung.

>Subject: Re: Loretta puts her writing career before Dusty

>But as for the matter of Loretta in this marriage, let's give her some
>spirit. What if she writes a book about living with a cowboy? His
>annoying habits? What if she becomes a singer and sings cowboy bashing
>songs? She puts her career as an author/songwriter above Dusty. Dusty
>doesn't like what she says but Lefty finds it hilarious.
>
>Beck G.

Garrison: Good. I like her becoming a writer and Dusty reading it and seeing his intimate life spilled out for public view.

Ernest: I like it too. So it gets Dusty back on the trail.

Sandy: What intimate life?

Garrison: Chris Forth plays Loretta on the show and unfortunately she can't do the next two shows, I believe. Sue Scott is back, who played Guy Noir's girlfriend Sugar. You see what the limitations are. We may not see Loretta again until January. But a good idea, Beck and Nikki.

Guy: Do they have a comedy major there at Vassar?

>Subject: Re: second comment about s.a.d. & Guy Noir

>Guy Blanc would be a totally different person who migrates back and
>forth from California to his 12th floor office as the seasons change.
>
>In his California persona he would hang out at the beach and do
>"Bay-Watch-type things" while troubled whenever the sun goes behind a
>cloud, about
>how things are going with Blanche and the office
Garrison: What's Bay Watch?

Sandy: You're kidding.

Ernest: I think I've heard of it. You watch it out of a Bay Window.

>Subject: Re: make Loretta jealous

>Maybe instead of allowing the to-be-married cowboy/poet to just get
>married, you should introduce some sort of new woman character who
>competes for his attention with his fiancee. Of course this would upset
>his current flame, but it would make for a good story line or two about
>a jealous woman. Jealous women, after all, do some rather crazy things.
>
>Alishia H.
>Seattle, WA

Garrison: Do you know any crazy things from personal experience, Alishia? I've never been jealous myself, so I wouldn't have the background for this.

Sandy: I'm for it. Let's get Sue Scott in there next week as a cool, cowgirl who can out-ride and out-rope both of the boys and that gets Dusty's interest.

Ernest: A barrel racer.

Guy: Thundering hooves and whoops. Great. The show's been awful quiet lately.

>Subject: Re: Dusty meets the in-laws

>Before Dusty gets married, he has to meet the in-laws. And of course
>they have to plan the wedding. If the preparations for the wedding
>don't break them apart, nothing will. I am sure he will chose Lefty
>as the best man, sign him up to be the godfather. They are going to
>also have those conversations about what to name the children.
>
>Dennis M.

Garrison: We haven't decided if he's going to marry her or not. The problem right now is that Loretta (Chris Forth) will be disappearing for couple weeks. Maybe more.

Sandy: This is the sort of thing an executive producer would have thought about a month ago.

Ernest: We can bring in some in-laws without having Loretta there. And they can be real jerks.

Guy: Loud affable people. Minnesotans. Talking in broad Os and As --- "Oh boy. Oh gosh. Okey dokey. Real good. Bye then." They can say, "Bye then" a lot. Does anybody anywhere in the country say this except Minnesotans? They're dumber than trout, if you ask me.

Garrison: Like your idea, Dennis. Like to hear more.

>Subject: WRITERS MEETING.

Garrison: This is turning into a productive meeting. Let's summarize. A coffee machine for the Cafe Boeuf. A mangy dog for Guy Noir. Play out the Loretta-Dusty romance a little longer, without prejudice as to whether they marry or not. Get some jealousy in there. Get him to write an ode to the plains and fall in love with the cowboy life again.

Ernest: Get Maurice out of the Cafe and into some other situation, to see what he's like.

Guy: Guy Noir's brother Pinot.

Sandy: That's not pronounced Peanut.

Guy: It's not?

Sandy: Pee-no.

Garrison: Speaking of that, we're going to take a five minute break and come back for a wrap up. Thanks to all who logged in. Good ideas.

Ernest: Thanks to all the loggers.

Garrison: Back in a minute.

>Subject: Tales of the Filthy Rich

>Picking up on what someone else mentioned, about
>anti-Republican rants on PHC, why not have one of your
>dimmer stars--- like Eddie of Duck Tape -- win the lottery.
>
>Then your listeners will listen with intense interest
>as Eddie learns the ins and outs of knee-weakening,
>spectacular, outrageously excessive wealth. Like a
>"Richie Rich -- That Poor Little Rich Boy" of the
>airwaves.
>
>Hans E.

Guy: Mr. Keillor is the only one here with the background for this.

Garrison: I don't know anything about excessive wealth. Hard-earned wealth cautiously invested, yes. Windfall profits, no.

Sandy: I saw you sitting in first class on a flight to LA once.

Garrison: It was a mileage upgrade.

Ernest: I have a lot to say about the rich, don't know if you'd care to hear it or not.

Garrison: Fire away.

Ernest: They have no sense of responsibility to society as a whole. They make a shitload of money off the system and then don't want to pay taxes. The biggest whiners in the country. Every time this show bashes Republicans, I sit backstage and bang on the wall with my fist and yell, ALL RIGHT. We ought to do it more often.

Garrison: Thanks for the advice. You want to answer the mail?

>Subject: Re: Sketches written by people from towns under 2,000

>Last season you had musical act from towns under 2000. Now its time
>to have sketches from towns under 2000. Sketches are submitted to
>your writers, and a half dozen get picked and with the PHC cast playing
>out the sketches that were submitted.
>
>Dennis M.

Garrison: Orlando doesn't have less 2000 population, does it?

Guy: Less than 2000 literate population.

Garrison: I don't know, Dennis. Let's see the material first.

>Subject: Re: the e-mail clog here at MPR

>Did you all ride into the sunset and leave me siting here by my glowing
>electronic campfire?
>
>Chuck S. Washington, DC Moose@NIH.gov

Garrison: We have a primitive e-mail system here at the Fitzgerald, Chuck. We write the replies onto shingles with old woodburning kits and ushers run them over to MPR headquarters where they're entered onto the computer by elderly typists. Be patient. What does Moose refer to?

Marcia: The e-mail system isn't the only thing that's primitive here.

Ernest: Would you be offended if I fart?

>Subject: Re: more cowboy stuff

>The lives of the cowboys....
>
>So Dusty's about to be hitched. Of course we cant let this happen, or we'll
>all end up listening to lives of the yuppies. Its one thing for cowboys to
>have chance encounters on the prairie with yuppies. It'd be downright boring,
>however, to listen to stories about cowboys scraping fat-free brie out of
>their beards.

Ernest: I couldn't agree more. Keep the guy single.

>So. How about if Dusty almost gets hitched. He moves to town, he buys a pair
>of trendy glasses and starts drinking bottled water and eating sun-dried
>tomato bread. All is blissful with Loretta and they're talking about buying a
>Volvo. BUT, one day Loretta confesses to him that she belongs to Earth First,
>and that she believes all ruminants, especially bovine ruminants, should be
>banned from federal lands, and that we should all become vegetarians and eat
>lower on the food chain.

Ernest: I'm with you.

>This is too much for Dusty, who practically needs CPR. He gets on his horse
>and rides off into the sunset, leaving Loretta to cry into her organic
>carrot-juice cocktail. He and Lefty are reunited on the prairie and they are
>once again cowboys.

>And then what? Dusty and Lefty could become cowboy poets for an episode. They
>could have chance encounters with politicians out on the prairie. They could
>take on lawyers. They could take on German existential philosophy and apply
>it to their cowboy lives. ("Gosh, Lefty, so if what Camus says is true, if
>there's really nothing after we die and we just....we just rot - then why are
>we here?" "Lefty, maybe you should read Zane Grey instead of that Camus
>guy...)

Garrison: Okay, this is rapidly degenerating.

Sandy: I'll say.

>As for Guy Noir, maybe you could use him to parody classic detective films. I
>don't know much about classic detective films, but I think it could work and
>the older audience might get a kick out of it.

>And as for the French guy, definitely write some new characters into his
>skits.

>Personally, my favorite parts of PHC are Garrison's stories about his
>childhood - his aunt and uncle and cousin who plays with Barbies, etc... He's
>a fabulous storyteller.
>
>bye,
>Cris

Garrison: Thanks, Cris. I like the cowboy story line.

Sandy: Why do we need to beat up on vegans? This is pretty old stuff.

Garrison: Good about the Guy Noir. We'll go to the Thalia when we get to New York in November and catch some old flicks.

Guy: You're right about getting Maurice out of the cafe and into America. I've tried to do this and my stuff keeps getting turned down.

Garrison: You're lucky it was.

>Subject: Re: Lady McBeth & Guy Noir

>A Shakespeare theme. Lady McBeth knocks on the door.
>References made to a number of plays and characters.
>Incongruity of Noir and erudition is always something
>good to play with.
>
>Katinka T.

Ernest: I like that. If only we had someone on the staff who'd read Shakespeare's book.

Guy: I've got a boxful of Cliff's Notes under my bed at home.

Ernest: What was the title of it?

Sandy: Love's Labors Lost, in your case, pal.

Garrison: I'm an English major, and I've read both of his books.

Guy: Incongruity is our middle name, Katinka. Incongruity is the stuff and substance of our lives. Thanks for noticing that.

>Subject: GOOD NIGHT

Garrison: It's 9:30 CDT here and we're supposed to go over to our technical director's house for a PHC party so this is going to be it from the Writers Conference Room. Thanks to all who logged in. There was a lot of good stuff there and we'll try to steal it as artfully as we can, and if you want to submit more ideas, please do. We'll do another conference soon.

Ernest: I need a beer.

Garrison: We just need to iron out some technical wrinkles here, and our MPR technical staff, Loren Lovhaug and Gerry Abraham and John Pearson and Katy Reckdahl, will do that, and we'll go over all these story lines again.

Sandy: If you're going to have any more beer, I wish you'd leave the room, or at least lean the other way.

Garrison: Glad you are interested in the nuts and bolts of the show. Hope you liked tonight's. Thanks again. Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Guy: Let's get out of here.

CREDITS: Producer: John Pearson; Moderator and media relations: Katy Reckdahl; System engineer: Loren Lovhaug; Software engineers: Gerry Abraham and Jean Joslyn.